Turning out the light; memories of birthday eves

Ever since I can remember the night before my birthday has never been a very restful night. When I was younger I used to lay in my bed while visions of my future gifts danced in my head like the Who's Christmas sugar plums. 

(I will admit that I have been known to get very into the whole "celebrating me" day idea.)

However, I always waited for my mom to come and turn off the hall light. As she did this task she would lean her head in and say, "It's your last day of being 8!" or whatever the age may be. 

Tonight I am sitting in my apartment, and visions are certainly dancing in my head but they are images of her. I am remembering how I would listen to my mom getting everything settled down before bed and wait excitedly for her to come say something to me. 

Tonight I am remembering how every year I could anticipate receiving a handcrafted, almost magical card from Aileen. I am remembering how Aileen would always ask my mom if Roland could take my bed by the window. Her argument always was if a giant wolf jumped through the window I would sleep through it. I am remembering our late night dance parties in our room that almost always got crashed by mom. I remember when we first had Polly and Nelly and how we would snuggle them (with plenty of towel protection) against our necks while mom read to us. I am remembering also when you decided to have your own room, and how I cried myself to sleep in mom's room for weeks after because I couldn't get used to not having you close. 

Tonight I am remembering how Kristen has always been my birthday party tea companion of choice. I don't remember how many times we had private birthday teas. I wouldn't have it any other way :). I'm remembering how we used to love when the crossing guard would ask if we were twins. I remember how we picked out our special tree, but only went there once. Also how we spent a week collecting snails in third grade only to find out to our horror that snails can change their genders. We released them immediately. I am remembering how while you were in Vienna I started washing my face more than once a day because it reminded me of you for some reason. 

Tonight I am remembering how I LOVE the month of April. How my dad would take me outside so we could look for the first crocus of year. I'm remembering how I got grounded because I wouldn't help do the dishes because, "I needed to finish calculating the days until my birthday.":)

I'm remembering my 16th birthday and my first date with Joe. 

I'm remembering how Pizza and cheesecake have been my birthday meal for ages. 

But most of all, tonight I am flooded with all the little moments of my life that have been stitched together with the lives of you whom I love the most. Tonight I feel farther away from everyone that I love. 

So I wish to say I'm glad that I have a chance to remember and celebrate the day that I got to join you all here.  

P.S. The picture above was on my google search and when I put the curser above it it said, "Happy Birthday Maren!" I will say I didn't think my internet search engine would be so thoughtful! 

Self Moving Portrait

This is me every morning.

Except I don't sleep with a gun under my pillow.

Senses

When I hear this,

I see this.

Baby steps back into posting.

It's that time of the year again where a breath of fresh posting is breathed into my blog. Sophie has suggested many times that I have a funeral for my blog and put the poor useless thing to rest. So here's to rebirth I guess.

I have had a few things on my mind lately. I find myself on the brink of a world ahead. I seem to be still on the intake of breath beforeI continue the next phrase of my life.

I feel like there are little spaces in-betweenthe colorful and eloquent experiences of our lives, and maybe like the spaces between words, those blank spots add individuality, and focus to the words ahead. Needless to say that in many ways right now I feel like I am in a blank space, savoring the many words that came before and providing preparation for those to come. So in this space-like time I have a few things to say.

I adore this lady. What a blessing she is to this world, and I miss her tremendously. As you all know she is traveling and studying in a far distant land, but I couldn't be happier. Aileen has a very pure and decreeing mind that will teach truth to the world all her days. I just thought that she needed some space in this post. :)

Lately I find myself pondering the future and being excited for all that is ahead. But every time I wonder into these thoughts I am bothered by myself. The more I learn, the more I see how life is a time to teach us that we are objects that bring heaven a little closer, and I want to be only that in all I do. But sometimes I slip into the name making and recognition that make me self oriented.

With that tumbling about in my head a few other thoughts joined the mix.

You can't help but be drawn here.

The other day in the Provo temple, I had a moment of realization. Firstly, Wednesday at 12:00pm is the time to go. The workers are delightfully humors! I was sitting in a room with some of the elderly gentleman, and chuckling softly to myself as they wentabout being their hist selves. Another sister in the room was by way of her conversation clearly a regular visitor on that day and hour. She took a minute to tell the her white haired friends about her mission call that was waiting for her when she returned home. They were all totally thrilled to hear the news and enjoyed the conversation.

I stood up for my turn, and they asked me, "What about you? When are you going on a mission?" I smiled, and then sort of blurted out, "I may have theopportunity next summer to go to Nauvoo as a missionary." I didn't know I was thinking that seriously about the idea of being a summer service missionary, but the idea grows on me more and more. Despite what happens, I was grateful for the comfort those words gave me that day in the temple.

Here's to summer and the new ideas and feelings it brings!

ALF

Sometimes you've just got to let your hair down and slap on a steak.





Zut alors! A prime moment! Let's all just reminisce and rekindle our love for this dear, 8-stomached, orange-haired alien.

The future, or Secret Garden same thing.

I need a place where I can go,
Where I can whisper what I know,
Where I can whisper who I like
And where I go to see them.
I need a place where I can hide,
Where no one sees my life inside,
Where I can make my plans, and write them down
So I can read them.

A place where I can bid my heart be still
And it will mind me.
A place where I can go when I am lost,
And there I'll find me.

I need a place to spend the day,
Where no one says to go or stay,
Where I can take my pen and draw
The girl I mean to be.

For Kristen

As you embark on your journey.